8 months ago today

He moved out. To a two bedroom apartment 10 minutes away. Our kids, one a teenager the other just 10 years old, would have to take turns having the second bedroom and the couch.
I almost felt relief...and then a huge amount of guilt for that. Shouldn't I be more devastated? I married him when I was just 18 years old, he was all I ever knew. He was a good father. Our kids were devastated. Why wasn't I?

17 years ago we were planning our wedding. Well not "we" me and him so much as "we" me and my mom, grandmother and sister. That was tradition and totally okay with him, just give him the address to the church, the date and time and he'll be there. He was very good with letting me have the wedding of my dreams. And it was something like a dream. I felt like a princess with my very traditional dress with it's cathedral train and intricate beading and lace. I had a tiara style veil and our wedding party was more formal in black and white. There was nothing more an 18 year old bride could ask for. My parents were very supportive and liked him a lot. Everyone liked him. The wedding went off without a hitch and all family members and friends ignored and avoided the fact that my older brother was not there. By then it was pretty common acceptance that we were not at family functions together, he would certainly not be at my wedding. No one discussed it, no one question it.

Today I know that wedding - that marriage, was very much an escape for me. An escape from my past and the demons that huanted me daily.

Here I go...

I was 18 and he was 21 when we got married. But this blog isn't just about our 16 year marriage that failed. It's about what happens next and what happened before. It's my journal about my attempt to reconcile my past,  to make my present survivable and my future amazing.